remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
ttyl tear gas
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
