yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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