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I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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