my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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