I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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