I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
