1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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