So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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