meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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