i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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