Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
