Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
