I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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