I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
