I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
