Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
