Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
