so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
