she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
