My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
