I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Screwed.edu
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Randomize
