Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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