HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
