Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
