my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
