Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
