I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
