I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
