they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
