My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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