Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
