i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
