oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
