I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
