just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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