hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
