If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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