My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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