Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
