So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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