sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
