guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
