I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
