I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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