I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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