How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
