I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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