What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
