there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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