wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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