he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
